Roast of Leighlei
by Leighlei
Summary: I yoinked this Idea... but it's just a bunch of poorly treated characters I have used in fiction making fun of me, Comedy Central style. I will put more up soon... R&R Por Favor!
1. Introduction with Darry, Jill

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[A/N: We all know the whole I don't own it thing, yadda yadda, but this is just to say I ripped this idea off of SailorKatochan… So go read her shit or we're all in big trouble; Me for being a thief, and you for being retarded enough to want to read this. Okay. Enjoy.

P.S~ From here on out the things in Brackets and italics are actions, underlined things are Titles or names of songs, and things in Bold and italics are Characters present at the event being mentioned in a description—Bold/Underline indicates who is speaking. And italics during speaking mean… that's right kiddies… CENSORSHIP. Confused? GOOD.]

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[Lights go up on a rather large stage, the backdrop a large screen displaying the flickering flames of hell, and to the right is a long bar filled with miscellanous characters who do not belong to Leighlei. They are facing the stage, and having some drinkies. Behind them is the Actual bar, where a few burly bartenders, dressed as raunchy tavern women, also watch. To the right of the stage I a small table, and directly to the right of that is a small bench where **The Nemesis** sits, glaring around… wearing a tux, sans bazooka. The lights begin to swirl with red, orange and yellow rave patterns as Living Dead Girl by Rob Zombie begins to blare. **Leighlei** comes out from backstage left, wearing an elegant backless black evening gown with knee-high combat boots. Her makeup is done like 'The Crow', and her hair is twisted up into two strawberry-blonde buns on either side of her head. She comes center stage, where a podium has ben set up, and gives the people at the bar the finger. The lights return to normal, the song stops, she lets her hand drop.]

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Lei: Before you make with the Funny, I just wanted to say that if any of you discuss the incident with the GundamW boys and the toilet Bowl Cleaner, I will have my best friend- [_Nods to **Nemesis**_] Shoot you with a potato gun. I'm serious. [_The people at the Bar try to disguise their smiles, and not laugh. Especially **Dane Cook**, who has to cover his face with his hands. **Lei** glares at him for a moment, and then climbs up on the podium and yells:]_ I AM LORD!!! [_She jumps off of the podium as the crowd goes wild, and goes to take her seat, **Nemesis** shakes his head at her. She glares at him, and he looks away, muttering]_

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Announcer (From some obscure unseen place): Ladies and gentleman, our first guest has not only been the member of the cast of a Hit T.V. series, but has also taken part in one of Leighlei's favorite projects- Return to The Highway, which is now being combined with Closer. Please welcome- Darius Jenner!

:: _Jeepers Creepers begins to play as the Brown-haired hunk gets up from the bar and heads to the podium, flashing **Lei** a debonair smile before leaning towards the Mic. The music stops and he begins to speak._:: 

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Darry: Well, when Lei and I first got together, I was scared of her. Look at her—she looks like a member of the undead. [ _He points, the crowd titters._] When she asked me to do reworking of the events following Jeepers Creepers, I was skeptical. But then she tied me down and gave me the best lapdance of my life, so I agreed. [ _Crowd, and some people at the bar, laugh._] During the making of Return to The Highway, I was forced… I mean asked… to do a love scene, and, it didn't seem odd to me at the time… but she had Deth; the girl I was acting with, and I do it about twenty times… [ _He grins._] And it seemed to me she needed to go to the bathroom A LOT, which is also strange. You see, there were no bathrooms in the trailers, and well, when she excused herself, she always went back to her trailer… Well, I'm not going to go any farther than to say; Leighlei is a very loud screamer. [ _Crowd Laughs._ ] And she really seemed fond of pickles… [ _He looks to **Dane Cook**_ ] Did you have anything to do with that? [ _He smiles as the muic begins again, taking the flight of stairs down the right of the stage and giving **Lei** a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and then going back to his place at the bar._ ]

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Lei: [ _Yelling in the ensuing quiet before the next performer._ ] Hey, Didn't I see you in a Vanilla Pepsi commercial? With a Light switch? 'Dance, Monkey, Dance?'

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Darry: Yeah, after I kissed Britney Spears. [ _Everyone laughs at his pointing this out._ ] 

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Lei: Aieeeeee… don't mention that ever again! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT?! 

[ **_Darry_** snickers.]

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Announcer: And now, live via sattelite from Save Point, please welcome one of Leighlei's greatest inspirations; Jill Valentine!

[ _The afore mentioned flames of hell cease flickering as the screen switches over to **Jill Valentine**, who is apparently standing in front of an old typewriter and a large footlocker, holding a gun. **Nemesis** grins._]

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Jill : See what happens when I defeat these f~_beep_~ers? They all hang out together and sh~_beep~_t. What is that over there, the pit of stupidity? This is what happens when you side with Wesker, you idiot. [ _She puts her hands on her hips and starts making odd, jerky movements like in the Resident Evil game series. The crowd cracks up._] And I'm SORRY if I'm not COOL ENOUGH to be in one of your horribly written fanfictions, but at least I got the hook-up! [ _She digs through the footlocker, putting her gun inside and taking out a bag of Marijuana._ ] See this? This grows ALLLL OVER my city! And it's legal! [ _Crowd laughs._] Why do you think I can't pick locks? BECAUSE I AM STONED OFF MY WHITE ASS!What's your excuse? [ _She pulls out a lighter and a Reloading Tool, which, as suspected by many is actually a bong, and proceeds to pack and take a hit off of it._] Now, excuse me, but I need to remember how to shoot a gun now. [ **_Nemesis_** grins, laughing as the crowd applauds and the screen goes back to displaying flames.] 

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[A/N: All right, so it was pretty lame. Oh well. I'm going to make this a really long thing, just me making fun of myself through charcters I have cruelly manipulated and do not own, so please, R&R, give me some ideas, or tell me if there's anyone you want to see or whatever… Bleh. Sorry it's so short… I should have more up by tomorrow. XD!]


	2. Continued with Legolas, Connor

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Announcer: Our next guest has been loved and made fun of by Leighlei, and is worshipped by millions of retarded fangirls all over the globe. Please Welcome, Legolas Greenleaf!

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[Thirty bajillion teenage girls scream in the Audience as I'm too sexy starts to play and **Legolas** _gets up from the bar and heads up to the podium, he puts a piece of paper- probably notes- down in front of him, and the music stops.]_

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Legolas: First of all, I thought your name was Leighlei, not Leia. [_He points, indicating her hair, and the audience laughs._] But… um, whatever. Dunkin' Donuts head over there is always whining about her looks; "I'm so fat!" or "I look like sh~_Beep~_t!" But, I mean, she would, because not only am I prettier than her, but I'm also prettier than all of you. [_Audience Laughs._] That wasn't a joke. I was serious. Honestly, I don't know what it is about her, it just makes me want to shoot her with a silver bullet; THEY'RE CALLED COLORS, LEI! You should look into them! Life isn't an MGM movie; this isn't 'Gone with The Wind,' Get a tan, at least, you look like a newspaper or something. And you _seriously_ need a manicure… God. [ **_Legolas_** flips his hair over his shoulder in a very prissy way and everyone stifles a giggle.] And don't get me started on her ideas… were you raised in a Gondor Brothel? There's got to be more to your life than sex and violence… 

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Lei: [ _Interjecting_ ] Actually, there isn't. [ _Audience Laughs._]

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Legolas: Well, you should start by adding a stylist! And next time you wear eyeliner; USE A MIRROR TO PUT IT ON! [ _Laughter from the audience_.] Geez. [ **_Legolas_** walks down the steps on the right of the stage, a distinct wiggle in his hips, and **Lei** rises and hugs him. They kiss-kiss, and she tousles his hair. **Legolas** shoos her away and walks back to the bar adjusting his locks, flustered. ]

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Announcer: Next We—[ **_The Announcer _**is interrupted by a loud crash coming from offstage left, and **Connor** comes barging in as The Grudge by Tool starts to play. He grabs the Podium as he stops, and nobody in the audience really knows who he is. Those who do promptly 'Boo' him. **Leighlei** laughs.]

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Connor: She's f~_Beep_~ing insane! Who the hell writes a fanfiction about me?! [ _He turns towards her and shakes his head._] SHAME! Were you really that bored?! Did you suddenly have the idea to write about someone everyone hates and think they'd read it!? Why are you smiling? It's not funny! I was created to be hated! What the hell is wrong with you!? [ **_Connor _**leans towards the microphone confidentially.] Do you know that My Dad wanted to kill this girl? Not only is she a SUCKY vampire- no pun intended- but she writes ludicrous and absurd fanfiction! About ME! [ _The crowd seems a little shocked by the revelation of **Leighlei** being a vampire, but everyone at the bar is unphased._] You didn't know she was a vampire? Come on! Look at her! It's a dead giveaway! And who else listens to Tears for Fears!? Come ON! [ **_Connor _**stomps down the stairs and gives **Leighlei** a big hug, lifting her off of her feet, and then setting her back down. Then he promptly runs back up the stairs and back out the way he came.]

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Lei: [ _Looking around._ ] Aren't you all minors?! Shouldn't you be guzzling the Bacardi? DRINK! DRINK! [ **_Nemesis _**shakes his head again and takes a sip from the Martini in his hand. **Lei** pats his knee.]


End file.
